Why can’t everyone just get off my back and treat me nicely?

On Sunday, my mother left a message on my answering machine, criticizing me for not calling her. She said I was a horrible son. If she hadn’t nagged me over such trivial issues, I would never have hooked up with Milton from Venezuela that night.

On Monday, my brother called to complain that, when I put the new water pump in his car (at no charge), I got his floor mats dirty. He screamed at me to come right over and remove the grease immediately. If he hadn’t been so nasty and unappreciative, I would not have found myself in the arms of that blond with the

buzz cut.

On Tuesday, my supervisor called me into his office and scolded me about continually punching in five minutes late. If he had been just a bit more understanding, my tryst with Michael from Brooklyn would not have happened.

When Wednesday rolled around, I got a past due notice of $185 from my dentist, for a cavity she filled in April. It stated she was sending my account to a collection agency. Let the unsafe sex I ended up having at the bathhouse be on her conscience.

The anonymous hickey I got on Thursday was my best friend Alex’s fault for standing me up that night and making me feel worthless.

On Friday, that rotten policeman gave me a speeding ticket for going 38 miles per hour in a 35 miles per hour zone. Now my insurance premium is going to increase. I hope he loses sleep at night knowing it was his lack of compassion that sent me running into a booth with Justin from Jersey.

When Saturday finally arrived, I was so stressed out from being rejected, criticized, disrespected, held financially responsible and forgotten, that I figured I’d teach them all a lesson in manners by hooking up with 14 different men in a row. That’ll show them !

Stress…it’s enough to drive you to kink.

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