What Kenny meant: I have no idea who you are or what you’re all about, but you seem decent. Although we will probably not talk about this, there is some comfort in knowing you understand this lunacy that makes me do what I cannot believe I am doing. I’d like to know you better. I’m lonely.

What Kenny said: I’m Kenny. What's your name?

What Kenny meant: If I ask you your name and show an interest in you beyond sex, maybe you'll want to know more about me too. That would make me feel good. That would make me feel special. I need to feel special. I haven't felt special in a very long time.

What Kenny said: So Carlos, what are you looking for tonight?

What Kenny meant: Please God, make him say a friend. I don't want another anonymous encounter. I could really use a friend.

What Kenny said: Yeah, that feels really nice.

What Kenny meant: Of course it feels good when you do that to me but when this is over, I'm still gonna be lonely. What I really want to do is invite you out for some coffee and talk, but you’d probably laugh at me.

What Kenny said: Yeah, bye. Thanks Carlos. Be safe and take care, O.K.?

What Kenny meant: Carlos. Wait. Come back. Please. We can beat this thing you and me. I know you are going through the same hell I am going through. What we just did felt pretty good and all, but it wasn't the sex part that numbed our pain. It was the acceptance and closeness we exchanged. At least for me it was.

Come back and let's talk! If we don't, we will be nothing more to each other than a memory. Clips and glimpses of what we did tonight will eventually take their place among the many...and these will soon become part of the mental collage in the deepest recesses of our minds, where random snap-shots and vague echoes of past anonymous sexual encounters live on. We can do better than that. If I could only turn back time, Carlos, I would have talked with you. I would have at least tried. Now I’m lonely once again.

What Kenny said: Hey, wassup?

What Kenny meant: Please Lord. Give me the words with this one. I just need one other guy who wants out of this lifestyle too, and we could work together to get out of this mess. Please Father, give me the words.

From Buggin’ Out ! Newsletter