Commercials and infomercials invade our televisions 24 hours a day. Unhappy about your weight? Buy Slim Fast. Want to tighten up? Order Ab-Master. Thinking to earn a degree? Write to Sally Struthers. Are you a Christian struggling with homosexual temptations? Tough.

I look forward to the day companies will offer something more significant than scalp paint and more innovative than a tool to help me turn radishes into rosebuds. I want to see commercials for the following:

Integrity Pills …from Ronko

Nothing can match the anti-erotic sensations of diarrhea. We’ve all been there. You’re out late at night seeking adventure when, all of a sudden, you feel it coming. You would sacrifice your life savings for an hour of privacy in a bathroom that has a fan and locking door.

Now, when you find yourself sexually-tempted with old habits calling your name, be prepared with Integrity Pills. More reliable than bad breath, replacing your sex drive with pain is the secret of this breakthrough formula.

One tablet will provide all the bloating and twice the cramping of a wicked diarrhea attack…without the mess.

Stored in convenient, wallet-size dispensers for easy access during moments of weakness, Integrity Pills are a clinically-proven tool to stifle your wrongful desires and help you maintain your integrity. Bloating kicks in seconds after ingestion and the cramping lasts for hours. Call now!

Armor of God by Tommy Hilfinger

The Bible wisely teaches us that we never know when Satan will attack, so we should always have on the full ARMOR OF GOD.

We at Tommy Hilfinger understand that coming out of the addiction to anonymous sex can be an enormous struggle and salute those men brave enough to forge ahead toward freedom. In honor of these heroic fighters, we’ve created a new scent called Armor of God. Its light, woodsy scent is one you’ll want to splash on daily. Once on your skin, it reacts with your body’s chemistry to deliver a scent that’s uniquely you. But Armor of God does more than just smell great.

Because Armor of God reacts with your body chemistry, it has been formulated to detect the chemicals your body produces when sexually-aroused and, within seconds, will transform from lightly-woodsy to drop-dead fecal. No one will want to come near you. That guy you’ve been cruising in the mall for the past hour will flee in the opposite direction.

So remember, don’t let Satan catch you off your guard. Put on your Armor of God each and every time you leave the house.

Also available in anti-perspirant, body talc and mousse formulations.

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