Dear Mom and Dad,

I got your letter today. Thank you for always writing and sending me things. I even thank you for all those ex-gay booklets and tapes you always mail me. I know you are doing what you feel is best for me. As usual, you ended your letter with we don't approve of the lifestyle you have chosen, but we love you and are always praying for you.

You state that you know I am not happy and that God will open my eyes to the lie I am living. Maybe. Maybe not. Regardless, I want to respond to that in this letter.

You see, I love God just as much as you both do. In fact, I feel that He has changed and helped me in every area of life except my homosexuality. This tells me one of two things: either He finds my homosexuality acceptable or He doesn't care about me one way or the other. And I know He loves me so that leaves choice "A"...my homosexuality is acceptable to Him. I know you disagree with this and I respect that.

But let's just say, for a minute, that eventually I do want to leave the gay life. What will you have prepared for me so that I will be successful? Finally, I have found a way to sooth all the pain and loneliness which used to be a way of life for me. Unless you can tell me, with complete certainty, that after I leave the gay life and my lover, there will be just as much acceptance and companionship waiting for me doing things your way, as there was for me in the lifestyle, I won't leave. Why should I? Who wants to live a miserable life?

You see, I want to be Number One in a man’s life. I have always had men in my life who loved me but, in every case, there was someone who ranked a notch higher. Dad, I know you love me but Mom is your partner till death do you part. And whenever Mom and I had a disagreement, it was always, Do as your mother tells you, Son.

I’m not criticizing you for this….you did this out of love. However, my perception was warped. I took it as rejection.

And my friend Paul. Whenever I call up to invite him out somewhere, he has to clear it with his wife and, all of a sudden when he returns to the phone, it’s Sure, Cathy and I would love to have dinner with you on Friday. Who invited Cathy? This is nobody’s fault. I’m happy you all have found a lifemate….someone who loves you as Number One in his life.

When I am with my current boyfriend Vincent, I feel the way you guys feel with each other and how Paul and Cathy must feel. I feel like I belong to someone. I feel, at last, Number One in someone’s life. Never again will I settle for Number Two. Never.

Let me try to explain it this way. Say you were fighting a terribly painful cancer and had been in agony for most of your life. One day, a drug company comes out with a new painkiller that takes away your pain and allows you to finally enjoy life again. Then, your family tells you they are boycotting the pharmaceutical company that produces the drug because the company exploits young workers in third world countries. Your family could make a good case for you to stop taking the medicine. I can tell you that you would not stop…unless you were sure a drug of equal effectiveness was available. And that’s how it is with my choice to stay in the gay lifestyle. I’m not leaving it until you can prove to me that I will not have to suffer loneliness again. If you cannot show me this, I will not leave. But, show me some evidence that I can be just as fulfilled outside the gay life, and I might listen to you.

From Buggin’ Out ! Newsletter