You cease traveling nine miles out of your way and you refuse to pay up to seven cents more per gallon to buy gas at the Exxon station across town, because the attendant is cute.

You enter Barnes and Noble and leave with a purchase.

Your touchy-feeliness goes away.

You leave the house in shorts and don’t care that your socks don’t match.

Instead of waking up and masturbating, you find yourself opting for the extra ten minutes of sleep.

You absent-mindedly miss a Rogaine application.

Your restlessness subsides and you no longer have to get drunk in order to enjoy a quiet evening at home.

You no longer get nervous when someone wants to use your computer.

You discover that IMing on AOL is much quicker with both hands on the keyboard and wonder why no one thought of it sooner.

You stop awakening in a cold sweat after dreaming Pantene stopped making your favorite gel.

While driving late at night, you no longer mistake distant street signs and fire hydrants as gorgeous, mysterious hitchhikers.

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