"Horny". It’s a word we use as naturally as "hello". But something odd occurred while my friend Kevin and I were on vacation in Mexico City, writing in the hotel’s lounge. I was working on Buggin’ Out! 5 and Kevin was writing his daily devotional for his internet publication Broken Chains. He looked up from his notebook and said, "Robert, I don’t want to use the word "horny" in my devotional. I feel it to be obscene and crude. Help me find a more genteel synonym." (Kevin is from the South).

It seemed like a cinch, but we could not have struggled more if we had been trying to explain to an atheist with a Ph. D in biology precisely how the Holy Spirit descended on the Virgin Mary and caused her to be with Child. Rewording "horny" turned into a significant and time-consuming project. After the evening’s end, when we returned to our hotel room, Kevin hit for bed but I was unable to let "horny" go undefined. I needed closure. I pulled out and began organizing the notes from our brainstorming session in the lounge. Our suggested synonyms included:

FULL OF LUST: This one was Kevin’s brainchild. However, "full of lust", we concluded, is lacking because it is triggered by one of the five senses coming into contact with a sexy noun (more often than not, a proper noun or a pronoun). It is an intense craving for a specific and tangible object. "Horny" is different. It is not the direct result of a desirable noun crossing one’s path. In fact, "horny" historically overtakes us when we are alone. It just didn’t work. We ruled out "full of lust".

SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED: After about 20 minutes of intense thought, it was I who blurted out "sexually frustrated" and immediately regretted it as other hotel guests were within earshot and turned to see who the pervert was. But, after talking it over, we concluded that "sexually frustrated" is a physical state and does not recognize the emotional, the physiological, the spiritual, nor the psychological attributes of "horny". In addition, "sexually frustrated" has been successfully managed for centuries by a variety of biblical and non-biblical means. But not "horny". "Horny" has that same overwhelming tenacity as Freddy Kruger or Jason…you put your guard down, believing you have successfully killed them, only to have them return with a merciless vengeance. We crossed out "sexually frustrated".

We also toyed with "in the mood", "hot and bothered", "frisky", and "in heat" but again found that none fully captured the essence of the "horny" experience. We began to suspect that "horny" is peerless…one of those rare words, like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious that has no twin.

It would take study and observation to define it accurately. And, since the important issues like protecting the ozone, national defense, and creating low-carb value meals are already being tackled by superior intellects, we devoted ourselves to defining, and possibly gaining more insight into, "horny". Here are our findings:

We observed that it all begins at "anxious", a state of being that strikes its victim strategically and with a premeditated timeliness, typically during free time or boredom, and when one is not in the presence and accountability of other Christians…one of Satan’s favorite tactics:

Then Jesus was led out into the wilderness by the Holy Spirit to be tempted there by the Devil Matthew4:1 (notice that Satan waited for Jesus to be alone before striking).

Moments after Satan coaxes us into "anxious", the first symptoms begin to appear. We will be reminded and convinced of everything insecure, shameful and supposedly hopeless in our lives, prompting us, if untreated, into a vague and powerful state of "restless", where we will long for comfort. At "restless" we will attempt to self-medicate by stimulating our own bodies into a state of sexual arousal, through physical groping or through visual imagery in an effort to "lose ourselves" in a moment of fantasy, to escape the anxiety and restlessness.

"Anxious", left untreated, becomes "restless" which we attempt to self-medicate with sexual arousal. And it is this trio of conditions that combine to produce the "horny" experience.

"Horny" soon intensifies and overpowers our belief system, our self-control, and our common sense, calling us to places conducive to "go for it". We will find and attain the sexual release we sought, for the sexual arousal we created. We then slowly regain our belief system, self-control and common sense. We will exit with a desire to "just go home" and, if we are alert, we will note that the initial anxieties which began it all were not deserving of such extreme actions.

Satan is unsuccessful in fooling the mature believer who, at the first signs of "anxious", drops to his knees in obedience and prayer:

"Horny" when caught and biblically-treated at "anxious" gathers no momentum and it dies.

I never fully understood all those bible-obsessed men at Exodus conferences who were able to make the move from gay whores to faithful and satisfied husbands and fathers. Now I get it. They biblically-treated "horny" at "anxious" enough times to discourage future attacks.

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7

An enviable transformation takes place when we train ourselves to believe and implement "I’m anxious, I need to pray" before it is too late, and we have no other choice but to believe and moan "But I can’t pray, I’m horny".

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